... has been little more than heartbreaks and displeasures. Both in my academic life and in my love life. That sums it up pretty nicely what happened to me so far and I'm sure that you'll agree after you hear the things I'm about to tell you. I came here mostly to vent myself, I need to get those things out of my chest so I'm posting there here if anyone is interested in my life life, thoughts or just like reading stories.
First thing happened still in 2013. December 19. It was the last day of school before the winter break for me and since I live by myself with other students in a different city from my parents, I thought I'd go out at night to the clubs to celebrate the last day on this city before I return to my parents home for Christmas. Most of the friends I know were already back to their parents houses (talk about enjoying academic life huh?) but I stayed until Friday night even though my classes ended on Thursday just to go out without my parents having to see me drunk :) So as most of my friends were gone already, I invited my flatmate who is an exchange student to go out with me to the clubs and have a few drinks. I waited for 10 minutes in the city square in the cold for him to come and when he finally came, I went to him and he told me he had some friends he was supposed to meet that night, so I said "oh it's okay, can I come too?" and he happily took me with him. Then I jokingly asked "are there any female friends of yours there?" and he said "yeah, there are 2". So I was like "woooow, are they pretty?" and he said "one is pretty, the other one so so". So I joked with him "Great! I get the pretty one and you get the so so one".
So we arrived a bit after and we met the 2 girls in front a bar. I was already quite drunk then. I saw exactly what he told me: one was really pretty and charming, the other one was so so. So we talked for a while and I was trying not to sound like a douche because I had already drink a while and I knew I had to make a good impression to them. However, I ended up ruining it with the most hilarious pickup line I ever used. When I asked Diana (the pretty one), who is also a foreign exchange student until when she's going to stay here and I don't know why, I heard "July", I said "wow, cool! this country will have one more pretty girl until then". You should have seen the look on her face.
Later that night as I was walking with my flatemate on our way back home, I said to him "man, that girl was really beautiful, you gotta get me her number because I don't know if I'll see her again". He said "sure, and if you want I can even give you her facebook page." what a bro.
The next day I sent both the girls an invite on facebook, hahaha. I browsed some of the photos and now I was sure it wasn't just because I was drunk. That girl really got a unique charm about her... can't really explain.
I appologized her for the pathetic pickup line I used the other night and explained to her I already had a few glasses then. Luckily she forgave me and treated me like a new friend. She said I was really helpful to her because I helped her with a few things about the city we live in and about our university and asked me to be like her mentor. I thought to myself: "sure why not, it's a good chance to get closer to her so why not?". I accepted the challenge.
Days went by and everytime I talk to her I feel like I like her more and more. I don't know, she seems nice, polite, friendly and got a unique charm that I don't see very often. It's something I can't explain, really. There's just no reason, I didn't plan to get a crush on her. but before I realized, I already did.
I asked her out to have lunch together after I came back to the city where I study and she asked to meet at the school cantine. "Friendzoned", I thought. But I also thought "nahhh, it's too early to jump to conclusions, just be a friend now and you'll see how it goes later, you still have plenty of time until July, better take it slowly".
So I went out with her and on the day we had lunch and I got the feeling we get along quite well and there were no awkward pauses or anything, the worst part was still to come though, and it came to me as a shocker: as we were leaving the school canteen I said something like "I had a good time! we should hang out more often!" and she said "yeah, I still have time until February". I was like "eh? what do you mean?" and that's when she told me she goes back to her country in February instead of July like I thought. I froze. I froze at that moment and I feel like a part of me is still frozen in that moment. I had less than a month to be with her now. I was sooooo sad, I spend the whole day thinking about it, I had trouble sleeping at night over it, it was just a heartbreak. I felt like whatever chance I had of having a relationship with her someday were down the drain now.
I didn't know what to do now. If I tell her how I really feel about her so soon, she might not take it seriously
and think that I'm not real about it or that I just wanna have sex with her or something. But on the other hand, if I don't, I'll never get this off my chest and she would never know the truth. This can't be. I thought that it's better to tell her the truth at the right moment even if my chance of being rejected is about 96,3%, I just have to tell her how I feel instead of wondering "what if" all the time if I did not. I am pretty sure she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about her. That's the worst feeling in the world. The best feeling is when you're in love with someone. The worst feeling in the world is when you're in love with someone who you are sure doesn't feel the same way about you and your chances of having a relationship someday are close to 0.
It's always the same in the end. 21 years and only stories of heartbreaks and bad endings.
I hope I can at least keep her as a friend after she probably rejects me. I'm struggling to find a right moment to tell her, I just wanna be alone with her for more than 1 hour. I feel like we need to talk and I really know more about her...
Sometimes I feel she's too good for me. I'm such a nerd, I'm into watching football, playing games, watching a few japanese animes here and there, doing crazy immature things like throwing eggs at night, kicking down dumpsters and so on, she seems to always have a full schedule, always got plans to go here or there... in fact, when I went out with her, I had 1 hour to be with her before she had something else to do. She must have guys asking her for a relationship at every corner, I feel so powerless, can't do anything. Why would she pick me when she can pick anyone else who is much better, more handsome and less of a nerd than I am? With her looks and personality, she can have anyone she wants, why should it be me?
I'm so confused. I have exams soon and I can't stop thinking about her... I love her, I didn't plan this to happen, I don't choose who or when it happens but I do... ugh
