Stuck in between

It's no surprise to people who know me by now. I got a bad temper. I am impulsive sometimes. I make snap decisions just like that. I talk too much. I can be annoying sometimes. But that means I care. On the moment I don't do any of the things I mentioned to you, it means I stopped caring. It means that from now on, you're just another. It means, my heart got tired of you and the pain you put me through, the loneliness you make me pass, the moments of frustration I had to deal with because of you. When I care about you, I give you the right to hurt me, I give you the right to use and abuse me sometimes, you mean the world to me and I would do just about anything within my reach just to see you happy. Just one simple smile on your face and it would warm my heart and make my day.

 I'm here to tell you about a story that has going on in my life recently. My name is Chris, I am 23 years old and I am a recent graduate facing that difficult transition period of life when we start working, work out first real job, really live on our own and facing a lot of instability both in career and emotionally. My wage sucks. I feel unfair for studying for 17 years and earning little more than minimum wage. But I've been told to be patient. Start from the bottom. Things will pick up. Slowly build your own future.

 There's this girl I've been seeing for the last 2 months who I started to have feelings for since about a month ago.

At first I just saw her as a friend as I recently had been chasing a different girl named Wenhua and I was disappointed by her coldness and lack of compassion for others. Her stone heart made me step back. I wasn't interested in her anymore even though I tried to get close to her and put some time and effort into the possibility of becoming her boyfriend. I needed time to heal. I didn't want to go into another relationship so quickly after my last bitter experience.

A month or so after knowing this girl, I liked her more and more each day.Every day I felt more attracted to her. She's totally different. She's dark. She has few friends, she's hard to approach, she's clumsy, she's messy, she is addicted to porn, she flirts with so many guys, she lets so many guys flirt with her, she still hasn't finished an 3 year undergraduate program after 5 years and she's 24 years old now.... Notice how I said nothing positive about her. So you might be wondering to yourself, why do I like her then? Maybe that's the reason. I feel like when I'm around her, I can take care of her, I am more mature in attitude, got more common sense, social skills, general knowledge about how life works... I am not saying I am better than her, I just feel like we kind of compliment each other, we have common interests, we get along most of the time, but I feel like I can be useful to her, I can make her become a better person, achieve self improvement. I believe that someone people around her misunderstand her, she has a good heart and just needs someone who understands her, protects her and is there for her. I feel responsible for her.

I got closer and closer to her, I started going to her house everyday. It seems like everything's going right so far, right? wrong.

 I LOVE her, imagine a long-term future with her and even try to bring up the subject of making plans for the future that include each other as part of it. But everytime I try to talk about it, I get mixed signals and at times contradictory answers. Sometimes she wants to stay with me, sometimes she doesn't. Someone she's imagining a plan in her head that doesn't include me at all... She say she LIKES me back, she claims that she doesn't really have a preference for men physically, just as long as they are 180cm or taller and that it's her father who made the decisions for her during her whole life and her family has to agree with our relationship (she's Chinese and I respect her culture). She says she has feelings for me but when confronted with the question what she feels for me, she just says "I don't know".

She doesn't seem to be making it easier for me at all either. She's not willing to help me talk to her parents in her language, and her friends. Alright, no problem... so I will learn Cantonese and maybe 3 years or so from now I can speak enough to say basic things to her family?

 But wait! it gets worse!

The worst part is, there's this other guy who is 25 years old, American, who she never met in real life but has been skyping for a year or so and claims to have feelings for him too. He lives in the so-called "best country in the world" which she seems to be fascinated because she's absolutely clueless of how society works and people are just greedy and stupid in general and she thinks that she can easily settle there, find a better life, make easy money, live an easy life and everything will be rainbows and butterflies after. She, likes everyone else, wants what she doesn't have. The neighbours are always happier than us. Except they're not.

This guy promised her a better life there, get rich in the stock market by reading one book about stock market secrets, that he will invest his father's money since he hasn't done shit in his 25 years of existence, he never had a real job, he never graduated from university.

 She's absolutely fucking clueless

 She says he's a good listener and helped her cross a difficult time of her life when she was sick. They still Skype everyday, she also claims she LIKES him. 

Once, I fixed her laptop when it wasn't working.I took it to my home and got it fixed the following day. I couldn't resist temptation. I opened her Skype and saw the conversation history with this guy. I know I shouldn't have done it. I know I would be better not knowing. I know ignorance can be a bliss sometimes... But I guess my values and my heart spoke louder. I wanted to know the truth. To me, there's nothing in this world more important than the truth. Even if it hurts sometimes. Even if it tears someone apart. Even if the consequences are nasty. I want to always know the truth. Maybe I shouldn't be like this, but I can't change it.

  She thinks he is more reliable, stable and sweeter than me. Me on the other hand, I am just a Southern European with a bad temper at times, impulsive, talkative and heartspoken in a dead-end country which she hates, even though she lives here.I am a loser.

 Maybe I'm not good enough for her.

 Maybe she's not good enough for me.

 Maybe she doesn't love any of us and she's just using us both.

 It tears me up apart in my soul to know that she still talks to him everyday after I leave her home and after she wakes up. She doesn't think I know about it. But I know about it. I always find out the truth eventually.

 Everytime he's calling her on Skype or sending her messages, I die a little more inside.

 I don't want to share your love with anyone. I don't want to share your attention with anyone. I want you all to myself, all your caring, all your love... I want all of you. To myself. I want you in my life.

 Do you want me in your life?

I love you. I love you so much. Do you love me?

Only time will tell....

I Feel Like Everything I do Is Wrong

I care too much, I'm fucked. I care too little, I'm fucked. I talk too much, I'm fucked. I talk too little, I'm fucked. I act too nice, I'm fucked. I act too arrogant, I'm fucked. I try to be slow things down, I'm fucked. I slow them down too much, I'm fucked. I say this, I'm fucked. I say that, I'm fucked. I give too little space, I'm fucked. I give too much space, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked.

You treat me like shit for no reason, yet I am still in love with you.
Stop breaking my heart.
I just want to love you.

Why am I so miserable?

I am sick of everything. Sometimes I just wanna say fuck everything and jump in front of a train... Every relationship and crush that I had all end up making me more miserable than I already was before in my pathetic lonely useless meaningless single life. I am tired of it all.

They all say I go too fast. They all say it takes time to grow. Appearently they never heard of something called love at first sight. I don't choose to fall in love with someone. I don't choose when to fall in love to someone. I don't choose who I fall in love with. It just happens, and it happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. There's a reason for everything.

They say first cut is the deepest. But when your heart is cut again and again and again, it hurts. it really does. Just when I thought I got over one, I get more miserable again with the next one.

What should I do? 

Sometimes I see the assholes getting all the women with their annoying and cruel "I don't give a shit" attitude and it really pisses me off. I try to be nice to them, respect them, make them laugh, give them a good time and in the end I always get friendzoned, rejected and ignored.... Being ignored is like the worst punishment anyone can give me. I really don't know how to deal with it. When I try to reach the girl who is ignoring me, it would just make me look more desperate and miserable everytime I try to reach her.... Every text message I send, every facebook message I send.

It's like a struggle for power where I am always the one losing and appologizing and chasing after in the end... why does it have to be like this? Maybe I am too easily manipulated? Am I too naive? Too nice? Too afraid of making others upset? I don't know...

An author once wrote: "Life is a shit and it's not worth living it".... 

"You bring sunshine to everyone around you" - That's a sentence I was told more than once by my friends. I bring happiness around me wherever I go, they say. But they don't know that deep down, I am more miserable than they probably will ever be and I got no reason to smile myself. Who's gonna bring sunshine to my life...?

I'm just tired, I need time. That's all. Sometimes I just wanna be on my own, breathing fresh air and crying my lungs out. 

Dating an Introvert Girl

Ah, introverts. Interesting people. I was always interested and curious about them. So many unique distinctive things they hold, so many secrets they keep... I was lucky enough that during my life there were many introverts that opened up to me and included me in their own little world apart from everyone else. A world inside another world if you will.


Sometimes not the easiest people to get along with as they can act shy and many people will interpret them as "unfriendly" or "arrogant" when really, what they really want is to be alone and for you to stop choking them and give them some space. Introverts feel unconfortable with being the center of attention and people around them being concerned about them.
You need to be patient, understanding, keep your mind open and be interested in what they are saying if you want to have any chance of getting close to these people. And don't act too aggressive or hasty otherwise you will probably scare them all and it will likely be difficult to regain their trust as these people are harder to trust and feel confortable with strangers and easier to label you after their first impressions.

 Sounds simple enough, right?

 But now I'm trying to look deeper than that. Into the world of love relationships. Relationships with introverts.... sounds like a challenge. It won't be easy but if you're in the situation as me where you're trying to get to know an introvert girl better, getting close her, trying to take your friendship into a whole new level that could potentially lead to a long-term relationship, there are a few things we must take into consideration as well as some questions...


 First, let's start with the most important one: How much space do they need?

Am I talking to her too much? am I being annoying? am I trying too hard to reach her? why does she take days before she replies my texts or any other messages sometimes? This is complicated. Even I struggle with this... Sometimes I really want to tell my news, what's going on in my life, my daily stories, I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing but... it might take too much attention to them and they're not really confortable with this. Actually, I think the best thing to do in this case is to talk about exactly this and reach some kind of short term deal aboout how things should work between us 2. Other than that, you will both have to figure out women logic and introvert logic.


Second, What are their interests?
Let's face it: introverts are not the kind of people that would go to the disco everyday or have a party every week in someone's house. That's why they're introverts. They spend most of their time indoors doing activities such as being on the internet, reading books, studying or any other intellectual activity you can think of. These people usually have a lot of general knowledge or know a lot about a certain field (I guess thanks to google). When they DO go to parties, they are not exactly the soul of the of party either... they tend to be mostly quiet and around the people they feel confortable with often their best friends (they don't have many friends either). But in reality, if their mind they are very wild and would like to party with their loved ones and the people they really trust and make a crazy party with them and party like there's no tomorrow. That's my idea at least....


Third, how to get close to them?
This part can be quite tricky. If you rush them or pressure them too much they will spot you and will try to keep their distance from you and push you away. You have to be extremely patient and go slowly, day by day, one step at once, take your time and eventually your introvert sweetheart will slowly begin opening herself to you. Patience and endurance is the key. 
Try to find a common ground. Common interests. A series you both like a band you both like. A hobby you're both into. Once you do, you need to think out to use them in order to get closer to them. All I can say is, be creative and remember to go slowly.

Fourth, meeting their friends 
So, you got to the part where your crush likes you enough to introduce you to her friends. This usually means one of two things: 1) They like you enough to show you off to her friends and therefore that means that there's a good chance she's into you or 2) She is seeking advice from her friends and wants them to meet you to have a more clear idea whether or not you're the right kind of person. In other words: she is waiting to see what her friends think of you, she's waiting for them to judge you.
Keep is mind that introverts do not have many friends but the ones they do have are usually have a very close bond they're close to them as if they were a part of their family (especially if they're an only child) which means they are very important people in your crush's life in many ways and getting along with them is crucial so this is a very important step.


Fifth, after you do get close to them - life in a relationship
So, you've done everything right so far and you got into a relationship but you have no clue what to do now. So what's next?
It won't be easy at first if you're not an introvert like her but if you really like each other, you will get used to it in time. Remember that it is essencial to keep an open communication just like in any other relationship and discuss things such as personal space, what you consider as cheating behaviour, what you expect from the relationship, what you like and what could be improved and so on.
In my eyes, the most difficult thing to deal with it the matter of how much personal space each should get because I feel like one mistake in this can seriously harm the relationship because introverts are particularly easy to lose interest or get tired if they take too much of their personal space. I guess it's a matter of discussing that between you 2. But remember that you also have a life outside the relationship, you have your interests and your partner has hers and you don't have to be around one another 24/7 and do everything together. Spend time together. But it's the quality of the time that you spend together that matters, not the quantity. Keep that in mind.


I wrote this based on psychology and sociology articles that I read as well as personal experience, in hope you give some tips and clues and enlighten people who have never had experience in dealing with this kind of people before but, like me, have a crush and are interested in an introvert girl and would like to have a chance with her...

And that's it. I will do things as I wrote here. I am a junior in university this year. This is my last shot at a real relationship for now. If this doesn't work, I will just focus on improving myself, dealing with other aspects of life and leave relationships for a later stage... But damn, this lonelyness is getting harder to cope with.

This Is The Path I Chose

This is the path I chose. I know it's going to be difficult. I know it's going to be hard. The road is full of obstacles. I'm gonna feel bitter. I'm gonna need a lot of patience. I'm gonna have to swallow a lot of stories and rumors, I'm gonna have to silence my inner instinct of a jealous boyfriend and trust her, I'm gonna feel ignored, gonna feel eastern european coldness, gonna have to deal with the risk of being stabbed in the back... This is the path I chose. Just make it worth it. I regret nothing. I have the feeling I'll be smiling at the end. High risk, high reward. Hard work will make our efforts worth it in the end. I love you.

I'm hurting.

I'm hurting... Sometimes I just wanna cry, sometimes I just wanna scream. Should I keep going? or just give up? I can't let her know anything about this. She hates me talking about my feelings for her. I have to keep this a secret and it's tearing me apart inside. I feel like I need to vent. How do I make it stop? Enlighten me... Is she really worth this? How much longer do I have to carry on like this?
Imagine... The person you love tells you to shut up about your feelings and to keep them to yourself. I wanna tell her this in the face, but instead I am blogging this up... pathetic.

Give me a sign. A word. Anything =(
Am I the only one who wants this?

 Don't you think about me at all during your day? What's in your head?

Lecz cie...
Kocham Cie tak bardzo...

I just really wanna be next to you. Oh I wish I could feel your touch, your heat, your breathing, your pale white skin. I wanna see your beautiful sparkling blue eyes. I wanna lay down with you and put my arms around your body and you hold me tight. I wanna put my hands on your back and kiss you in the lips and leave you breathless. Give you a hug and feel your heartbeat. I want you. I don't really care about your past, we all did crazy shit we regret one time or another...

Let a geek dream.

Of course I didn't have a chance.

Heartbreaks, broken dreams, wounds, scars.... that sums up the luck I had in love in all my life. I just suck at love. I always pick the one I can't have. I always pick the one who just wants to use me. She's a sexy intelligent and nice babe and I'm a fucking geek. Of course she would say no. And my mother was right. I will live alone and I'll fucking die alone. Of course I didn't have a chance. I knew it from the start. I don't know why I still bother. I have no chance... Fuck it. If it's not her, then I give up. Seriously, the whole concept of "love" already caused me enough trouble and fucked up my life enough. Enough is enough. Fuck it all.