Stuck in between

It's no surprise to people who know me by now. I got a bad temper. I am impulsive sometimes. I make snap decisions just like that. I talk too much. I can be annoying sometimes. But that means I care. On the moment I don't do any of the things I mentioned to you, it means I stopped caring. It means that from now on, you're just another. It means, my heart got tired of you and the pain you put me through, the loneliness you make me pass, the moments of frustration I had to deal with because of you. When I care about you, I give you the right to hurt me, I give you the right to use and abuse me sometimes, you mean the world to me and I would do just about anything within my reach just to see you happy. Just one simple smile on your face and it would warm my heart and make my day.

 I'm here to tell you about a story that has going on in my life recently. My name is Chris, I am 23 years old and I am a recent graduate facing that difficult transition period of life when we start working, work out first real job, really live on our own and facing a lot of instability both in career and emotionally. My wage sucks. I feel unfair for studying for 17 years and earning little more than minimum wage. But I've been told to be patient. Start from the bottom. Things will pick up. Slowly build your own future.

 There's this girl I've been seeing for the last 2 months who I started to have feelings for since about a month ago.

At first I just saw her as a friend as I recently had been chasing a different girl named Wenhua and I was disappointed by her coldness and lack of compassion for others. Her stone heart made me step back. I wasn't interested in her anymore even though I tried to get close to her and put some time and effort into the possibility of becoming her boyfriend. I needed time to heal. I didn't want to go into another relationship so quickly after my last bitter experience.

A month or so after knowing this girl, I liked her more and more each day.Every day I felt more attracted to her. She's totally different. She's dark. She has few friends, she's hard to approach, she's clumsy, she's messy, she is addicted to porn, she flirts with so many guys, she lets so many guys flirt with her, she still hasn't finished an 3 year undergraduate program after 5 years and she's 24 years old now.... Notice how I said nothing positive about her. So you might be wondering to yourself, why do I like her then? Maybe that's the reason. I feel like when I'm around her, I can take care of her, I am more mature in attitude, got more common sense, social skills, general knowledge about how life works... I am not saying I am better than her, I just feel like we kind of compliment each other, we have common interests, we get along most of the time, but I feel like I can be useful to her, I can make her become a better person, achieve self improvement. I believe that someone people around her misunderstand her, she has a good heart and just needs someone who understands her, protects her and is there for her. I feel responsible for her.

I got closer and closer to her, I started going to her house everyday. It seems like everything's going right so far, right? wrong.

 I LOVE her, imagine a long-term future with her and even try to bring up the subject of making plans for the future that include each other as part of it. But everytime I try to talk about it, I get mixed signals and at times contradictory answers. Sometimes she wants to stay with me, sometimes she doesn't. Someone she's imagining a plan in her head that doesn't include me at all... She say she LIKES me back, she claims that she doesn't really have a preference for men physically, just as long as they are 180cm or taller and that it's her father who made the decisions for her during her whole life and her family has to agree with our relationship (she's Chinese and I respect her culture). She says she has feelings for me but when confronted with the question what she feels for me, she just says "I don't know".

She doesn't seem to be making it easier for me at all either. She's not willing to help me talk to her parents in her language, and her friends. Alright, no problem... so I will learn Cantonese and maybe 3 years or so from now I can speak enough to say basic things to her family?

 But wait! it gets worse!

The worst part is, there's this other guy who is 25 years old, American, who she never met in real life but has been skyping for a year or so and claims to have feelings for him too. He lives in the so-called "best country in the world" which she seems to be fascinated because she's absolutely clueless of how society works and people are just greedy and stupid in general and she thinks that she can easily settle there, find a better life, make easy money, live an easy life and everything will be rainbows and butterflies after. She, likes everyone else, wants what she doesn't have. The neighbours are always happier than us. Except they're not.

This guy promised her a better life there, get rich in the stock market by reading one book about stock market secrets, that he will invest his father's money since he hasn't done shit in his 25 years of existence, he never had a real job, he never graduated from university.

 She's absolutely fucking clueless

 She says he's a good listener and helped her cross a difficult time of her life when she was sick. They still Skype everyday, she also claims she LIKES him. 

Once, I fixed her laptop when it wasn't working.I took it to my home and got it fixed the following day. I couldn't resist temptation. I opened her Skype and saw the conversation history with this guy. I know I shouldn't have done it. I know I would be better not knowing. I know ignorance can be a bliss sometimes... But I guess my values and my heart spoke louder. I wanted to know the truth. To me, there's nothing in this world more important than the truth. Even if it hurts sometimes. Even if it tears someone apart. Even if the consequences are nasty. I want to always know the truth. Maybe I shouldn't be like this, but I can't change it.

  She thinks he is more reliable, stable and sweeter than me. Me on the other hand, I am just a Southern European with a bad temper at times, impulsive, talkative and heartspoken in a dead-end country which she hates, even though she lives here.I am a loser.

 Maybe I'm not good enough for her.

 Maybe she's not good enough for me.

 Maybe she doesn't love any of us and she's just using us both.

 It tears me up apart in my soul to know that she still talks to him everyday after I leave her home and after she wakes up. She doesn't think I know about it. But I know about it. I always find out the truth eventually.

 Everytime he's calling her on Skype or sending her messages, I die a little more inside.

 I don't want to share your love with anyone. I don't want to share your attention with anyone. I want you all to myself, all your caring, all your love... I want all of you. To myself. I want you in my life.

 Do you want me in your life?

I love you. I love you so much. Do you love me?

Only time will tell....