I care too much, I'm fucked. I care too little, I'm fucked. I talk too much, I'm fucked. I talk too little, I'm fucked. I act too nice, I'm fucked. I act too arrogant, I'm fucked. I try to be slow things down, I'm fucked. I slow them down too much, I'm fucked. I say this, I'm fucked. I say that, I'm fucked. I give too little space, I'm fucked. I give too much space, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked.
You treat me like shit for no reason, yet I am still in love with you.
Stop breaking my heart.
I just want to love you.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Why am I so miserable?
I am sick of everything. Sometimes I just wanna say fuck everything and jump in front of a train... Every relationship and crush that I had all end up making me more miserable than I already was before in my pathetic lonely useless meaningless single life. I am tired of it all.
They all say I go too fast. They all say it takes time to grow. Appearently they never heard of something called love at first sight. I don't choose to fall in love with someone. I don't choose when to fall in love to someone. I don't choose who I fall in love with. It just happens, and it happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. There's a reason for everything.
They say first cut is the deepest. But when your heart is cut again and again and again, it hurts. it really does. Just when I thought I got over one, I get more miserable again with the next one.
What should I do?
Sometimes I see the assholes getting all the women with their annoying and cruel "I don't give a shit" attitude and it really pisses me off. I try to be nice to them, respect them, make them laugh, give them a good time and in the end I always get friendzoned, rejected and ignored.... Being ignored is like the worst punishment anyone can give me. I really don't know how to deal with it. When I try to reach the girl who is ignoring me, it would just make me look more desperate and miserable everytime I try to reach her.... Every text message I send, every facebook message I send.
It's like a struggle for power where I am always the one losing and appologizing and chasing after in the end... why does it have to be like this? Maybe I am too easily manipulated? Am I too naive? Too nice? Too afraid of making others upset? I don't know...
An author once wrote: "Life is a shit and it's not worth living it"....
"You bring sunshine to everyone around you" - That's a sentence I was told more than once by my friends. I bring happiness around me wherever I go, they say. But they don't know that deep down, I am more miserable than they probably will ever be and I got no reason to smile myself. Who's gonna bring sunshine to my life...?
I'm just tired, I need time. That's all. Sometimes I just wanna be on my own, breathing fresh air and crying my lungs out.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Dating an Introvert Girl
Ah, introverts. Interesting people. I was always interested and curious about them. So many unique distinctive things they hold, so many secrets they keep... I was lucky enough that during my life there were many introverts that opened up to me and included me in their own little world apart from everyone else. A world inside another world if you will.
Sometimes not the easiest people to get along with as they can act shy and many people will interpret them as "unfriendly" or "arrogant" when really, what they really want is to be alone and for you to stop choking them and give them some space. Introverts feel unconfortable with being the center of attention and people around them being concerned about them.
You need to be patient, understanding, keep your mind open and be interested in what they are saying if you want to have any chance of getting close to these people. And don't act too aggressive or hasty otherwise you will probably scare them all and it will likely be difficult to regain their trust as these people are harder to trust and feel confortable with strangers and easier to label you after their first impressions.
Sounds simple enough, right?
But now I'm trying to look deeper than that. Into the world of love relationships. Relationships with introverts.... sounds like a challenge. It won't be easy but if you're in the situation as me where you're trying to get to know an introvert girl better, getting close her, trying to take your friendship into a whole new level that could potentially lead to a long-term relationship, there are a few things we must take into consideration as well as some questions...
First, let's start with the most important one: How much space do they need?
Am I talking to her too much? am I being annoying? am I trying too hard to reach her? why does she take days before she replies my texts or any other messages sometimes? This is complicated. Even I struggle with this... Sometimes I really want to tell my news, what's going on in my life, my daily stories, I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing but... it might take too much attention to them and they're not really confortable with this. Actually, I think the best thing to do in this case is to talk about exactly this and reach some kind of short term deal aboout how things should work between us 2. Other than that, you will both have to figure out women logic and introvert logic.
Second, What are their interests?
Let's face it: introverts are not the kind of people that would go to the disco everyday or have a party every week in someone's house. That's why they're introverts. They spend most of their time indoors doing activities such as being on the internet, reading books, studying or any other intellectual activity you can think of. These people usually have a lot of general knowledge or know a lot about a certain field (I guess thanks to google). When they DO go to parties, they are not exactly the soul of the of party either... they tend to be mostly quiet and around the people they feel confortable with often their best friends (they don't have many friends either). But in reality, if their mind they are very wild and would like to party with their loved ones and the people they really trust and make a crazy party with them and party like there's no tomorrow. That's my idea at least....
Third, how to get close to them?
This part can be quite tricky. If you rush them or pressure them too much they will spot you and will try to keep their distance from you and push you away. You have to be extremely patient and go slowly, day by day, one step at once, take your time and eventually your introvert sweetheart will slowly begin opening herself to you. Patience and endurance is the key.
Try to find a common ground. Common interests. A series you both like a band you both like. A hobby you're both into. Once you do, you need to think out to use them in order to get closer to them. All I can say is, be creative and remember to go slowly.
Fourth, meeting their friends
So, you got to the part where your crush likes you enough to introduce you to her friends. This usually means one of two things: 1) They like you enough to show you off to her friends and therefore that means that there's a good chance she's into you or 2) She is seeking advice from her friends and wants them to meet you to have a more clear idea whether or not you're the right kind of person. In other words: she is waiting to see what her friends think of you, she's waiting for them to judge you.
Keep is mind that introverts do not have many friends but the ones they do have are usually have a very close bond they're close to them as if they were a part of their family (especially if they're an only child) which means they are very important people in your crush's life in many ways and getting along with them is crucial so this is a very important step.
Fifth, after you do get close to them - life in a relationship
So, you've done everything right so far and you got into a relationship but you have no clue what to do now. So what's next?
It won't be easy at first if you're not an introvert like her but if you really like each other, you will get used to it in time. Remember that it is essencial to keep an open communication just like in any other relationship and discuss things such as personal space, what you consider as cheating behaviour, what you expect from the relationship, what you like and what could be improved and so on.
In my eyes, the most difficult thing to deal with it the matter of how much personal space each should get because I feel like one mistake in this can seriously harm the relationship because introverts are particularly easy to lose interest or get tired if they take too much of their personal space. I guess it's a matter of discussing that between you 2. But remember that you also have a life outside the relationship, you have your interests and your partner has hers and you don't have to be around one another 24/7 and do everything together. Spend time together. But it's the quality of the time that you spend together that matters, not the quantity. Keep that in mind.
I wrote this based on psychology and sociology articles that I read as well as personal experience, in hope you give some tips and clues and enlighten people who have never had experience in dealing with this kind of people before but, like me, have a crush and are interested in an introvert girl and would like to have a chance with her...
And that's it. I will do things as I wrote here. I am a junior in university this year. This is my last shot at a real relationship for now. If this doesn't work, I will just focus on improving myself, dealing with other aspects of life and leave relationships for a later stage... But damn, this lonelyness is getting harder to cope with.
Sometimes not the easiest people to get along with as they can act shy and many people will interpret them as "unfriendly" or "arrogant" when really, what they really want is to be alone and for you to stop choking them and give them some space. Introverts feel unconfortable with being the center of attention and people around them being concerned about them.
You need to be patient, understanding, keep your mind open and be interested in what they are saying if you want to have any chance of getting close to these people. And don't act too aggressive or hasty otherwise you will probably scare them all and it will likely be difficult to regain their trust as these people are harder to trust and feel confortable with strangers and easier to label you after their first impressions.
Sounds simple enough, right?
But now I'm trying to look deeper than that. Into the world of love relationships. Relationships with introverts.... sounds like a challenge. It won't be easy but if you're in the situation as me where you're trying to get to know an introvert girl better, getting close her, trying to take your friendship into a whole new level that could potentially lead to a long-term relationship, there are a few things we must take into consideration as well as some questions...
First, let's start with the most important one: How much space do they need?
Am I talking to her too much? am I being annoying? am I trying too hard to reach her? why does she take days before she replies my texts or any other messages sometimes? This is complicated. Even I struggle with this... Sometimes I really want to tell my news, what's going on in my life, my daily stories, I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing but... it might take too much attention to them and they're not really confortable with this. Actually, I think the best thing to do in this case is to talk about exactly this and reach some kind of short term deal aboout how things should work between us 2. Other than that, you will both have to figure out women logic and introvert logic.
Second, What are their interests?
Let's face it: introverts are not the kind of people that would go to the disco everyday or have a party every week in someone's house. That's why they're introverts. They spend most of their time indoors doing activities such as being on the internet, reading books, studying or any other intellectual activity you can think of. These people usually have a lot of general knowledge or know a lot about a certain field (I guess thanks to google). When they DO go to parties, they are not exactly the soul of the of party either... they tend to be mostly quiet and around the people they feel confortable with often their best friends (they don't have many friends either). But in reality, if their mind they are very wild and would like to party with their loved ones and the people they really trust and make a crazy party with them and party like there's no tomorrow. That's my idea at least....
Third, how to get close to them?
This part can be quite tricky. If you rush them or pressure them too much they will spot you and will try to keep their distance from you and push you away. You have to be extremely patient and go slowly, day by day, one step at once, take your time and eventually your introvert sweetheart will slowly begin opening herself to you. Patience and endurance is the key.
Try to find a common ground. Common interests. A series you both like a band you both like. A hobby you're both into. Once you do, you need to think out to use them in order to get closer to them. All I can say is, be creative and remember to go slowly.
Fourth, meeting their friends
So, you got to the part where your crush likes you enough to introduce you to her friends. This usually means one of two things: 1) They like you enough to show you off to her friends and therefore that means that there's a good chance she's into you or 2) She is seeking advice from her friends and wants them to meet you to have a more clear idea whether or not you're the right kind of person. In other words: she is waiting to see what her friends think of you, she's waiting for them to judge you.
Keep is mind that introverts do not have many friends but the ones they do have are usually have a very close bond they're close to them as if they were a part of their family (especially if they're an only child) which means they are very important people in your crush's life in many ways and getting along with them is crucial so this is a very important step.
Fifth, after you do get close to them - life in a relationship
So, you've done everything right so far and you got into a relationship but you have no clue what to do now. So what's next?
It won't be easy at first if you're not an introvert like her but if you really like each other, you will get used to it in time. Remember that it is essencial to keep an open communication just like in any other relationship and discuss things such as personal space, what you consider as cheating behaviour, what you expect from the relationship, what you like and what could be improved and so on.
In my eyes, the most difficult thing to deal with it the matter of how much personal space each should get because I feel like one mistake in this can seriously harm the relationship because introverts are particularly easy to lose interest or get tired if they take too much of their personal space. I guess it's a matter of discussing that between you 2. But remember that you also have a life outside the relationship, you have your interests and your partner has hers and you don't have to be around one another 24/7 and do everything together. Spend time together. But it's the quality of the time that you spend together that matters, not the quantity. Keep that in mind.
I wrote this based on psychology and sociology articles that I read as well as personal experience, in hope you give some tips and clues and enlighten people who have never had experience in dealing with this kind of people before but, like me, have a crush and are interested in an introvert girl and would like to have a chance with her...
And that's it. I will do things as I wrote here. I am a junior in university this year. This is my last shot at a real relationship for now. If this doesn't work, I will just focus on improving myself, dealing with other aspects of life and leave relationships for a later stage... But damn, this lonelyness is getting harder to cope with.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
This Is The Path I Chose
This is the path I chose. I know it's going to be difficult. I know it's going to be hard. The road is full of obstacles. I'm gonna feel bitter. I'm gonna need a lot of patience. I'm gonna have to swallow a lot of stories and rumors, I'm gonna have to silence my inner instinct of a jealous boyfriend and trust her, I'm gonna feel ignored, gonna feel eastern european coldness, gonna have to deal with the risk of being stabbed in the back... This is the path I chose. Just make it worth it. I regret nothing. I have the feeling I'll be smiling at the end. High risk, high reward. Hard work will make our efforts worth it in the end. I love you.
Monday, March 24, 2014
I'm hurting.
I'm hurting... Sometimes I just wanna cry, sometimes I just wanna scream. Should I keep going? or just give up? I can't let her know anything about this. She hates me talking about my feelings for her. I have to keep this a secret and it's tearing me apart inside. I feel like I need to vent. How do I make it stop? Enlighten me... Is she really worth this? How much longer do I have to carry on like this?
Imagine... The person you love tells you to shut up about your feelings and to keep them to yourself. I wanna tell her this in the face, but instead I am blogging this up... pathetic.
Give me a sign. A word. Anything =(
Am I the only one who wants this?
Don't you think about me at all during your day? What's in your head?
Lecz cie...
Kocham Cie tak bardzo...
I just really wanna be next to you. Oh I wish I could feel your touch, your heat, your breathing, your pale white skin. I wanna see your beautiful sparkling blue eyes. I wanna lay down with you and put my arms around your body and you hold me tight. I wanna put my hands on your back and kiss you in the lips and leave you breathless. Give you a hug and feel your heartbeat. I want you. I don't really care about your past, we all did crazy shit we regret one time or another...
Let a geek dream.
Imagine... The person you love tells you to shut up about your feelings and to keep them to yourself. I wanna tell her this in the face, but instead I am blogging this up... pathetic.
Give me a sign. A word. Anything =(
Am I the only one who wants this?
Don't you think about me at all during your day? What's in your head?
Lecz cie...
Kocham Cie tak bardzo...
I just really wanna be next to you. Oh I wish I could feel your touch, your heat, your breathing, your pale white skin. I wanna see your beautiful sparkling blue eyes. I wanna lay down with you and put my arms around your body and you hold me tight. I wanna put my hands on your back and kiss you in the lips and leave you breathless. Give you a hug and feel your heartbeat. I want you. I don't really care about your past, we all did crazy shit we regret one time or another...
Let a geek dream.
Friday, March 21, 2014
Of course I didn't have a chance.
Heartbreaks, broken dreams, wounds, scars.... that sums up the luck I had in love in all my life. I just suck at love. I always pick the one I can't have. I always pick the one who just wants to use me. She's a sexy intelligent and nice babe and I'm a fucking geek. Of course she would say no. And my mother was right. I will live alone and I'll fucking die alone. Of course I didn't have a chance. I knew it from the start. I don't know why I still bother. I have no chance...
Fuck it. If it's not her, then I give up. Seriously, the whole concept of "love" already caused me enough trouble and fucked up my life enough.
Enough is enough. Fuck it all.
Monday, March 10, 2014
What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?
Time goes by. Now I'm nearly 22 years old (I turn 22 next month) and I noticed something that I have a feeling inside me recently that I never had much before until now. That feeling has been getting stronger and stronger recently. I started to look at women a lot more the past time and now am I actively searching for a relationship. I wish I can find a relationship... but things aren't that easy. There are a few women that I am interested in but they either don't see me the same way I see them, they are far away from me or because I simply don't think a relationship between us would work. I am under a bit of pressure too (although I like that because I can work better, or in this case, study better under pressure) because if I fail one more subject this semester, I will have to stay in my university for another year after next one which should be my senior year. So this is it, a lot will depend on how much I can study and focus on my studies these comming months and how well I can perform on the tests.
If I can finish my degree in the summer of next year, I feel like I would be the happiest person in the world. To achieve something like this has been a result of many adventures, frustrations, happiness, sacrifice and luck. After that, I am quite excited to start doing what I like and entering the labour market.
I am young and full of ambition and I have to make most of this stage of my life. I feel like after I finish my degree, I can trully focus of finding someone that I can spend my life with and that desire has been growing stronger and stronger these past times inside of me. Recently, I am so easy to get a crush on someone, to see someone as interesting or someone I would like to have a relationship with... it's like I can't even control it. In a way I want to to these women better and maybe start a relationship with them now before I lose my chance, but I know I shouldn't do that because I should be someone in life first. But it's getting harder and harder to resist...
If I can finish my degree in the summer of next year, I feel like I would be the happiest person in the world. To achieve something like this has been a result of many adventures, frustrations, happiness, sacrifice and luck. After that, I am quite excited to start doing what I like and entering the labour market.
I am young and full of ambition and I have to make most of this stage of my life. I feel like after I finish my degree, I can trully focus of finding someone that I can spend my life with and that desire has been growing stronger and stronger these past times inside of me. Recently, I am so easy to get a crush on someone, to see someone as interesting or someone I would like to have a relationship with... it's like I can't even control it. In a way I want to to these women better and maybe start a relationship with them now before I lose my chance, but I know I shouldn't do that because I should be someone in life first. But it's getting harder and harder to resist...
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
My 2014 So Far...
... has been little more than heartbreaks and displeasures. Both in my academic life and in my love life. That sums it up pretty nicely what happened to me so far and I'm sure that you'll agree after you hear the things I'm about to tell you. I came here mostly to vent myself, I need to get those things out of my chest so I'm posting there here if anyone is interested in my life life, thoughts or just like reading stories.
First thing happened still in 2013. December 19. It was the last day of school before the winter break for me and since I live by myself with other students in a different city from my parents, I thought I'd go out at night to the clubs to celebrate the last day on this city before I return to my parents home for Christmas. Most of the friends I know were already back to their parents houses (talk about enjoying academic life huh?) but I stayed until Friday night even though my classes ended on Thursday just to go out without my parents having to see me drunk :) So as most of my friends were gone already, I invited my flatmate who is an exchange student to go out with me to the clubs and have a few drinks. I waited for 10 minutes in the city square in the cold for him to come and when he finally came, I went to him and he told me he had some friends he was supposed to meet that night, so I said "oh it's okay, can I come too?" and he happily took me with him. Then I jokingly asked "are there any female friends of yours there?" and he said "yeah, there are 2". So I was like "woooow, are they pretty?" and he said "one is pretty, the other one so so". So I joked with him "Great! I get the pretty one and you get the so so one".
So we arrived a bit after and we met the 2 girls in front a bar. I was already quite drunk then. I saw exactly what he told me: one was really pretty and charming, the other one was so so. So we talked for a while and I was trying not to sound like a douche because I had already drink a while and I knew I had to make a good impression to them. However, I ended up ruining it with the most hilarious pickup line I ever used. When I asked Diana (the pretty one), who is also a foreign exchange student until when she's going to stay here and I don't know why, I heard "July", I said "wow, cool! this country will have one more pretty girl until then". You should have seen the look on her face.
Later that night as I was walking with my flatemate on our way back home, I said to him "man, that girl was really beautiful, you gotta get me her number because I don't know if I'll see her again". He said "sure, and if you want I can even give you her facebook page." what a bro.
The next day I sent both the girls an invite on facebook, hahaha. I browsed some of the photos and now I was sure it wasn't just because I was drunk. That girl really got a unique charm about her... can't really explain.
I appologized her for the pathetic pickup line I used the other night and explained to her I already had a few glasses then. Luckily she forgave me and treated me like a new friend. She said I was really helpful to her because I helped her with a few things about the city we live in and about our university and asked me to be like her mentor. I thought to myself: "sure why not, it's a good chance to get closer to her so why not?". I accepted the challenge.
Days went by and everytime I talk to her I feel like I like her more and more. I don't know, she seems nice, polite, friendly and got a unique charm that I don't see very often. It's something I can't explain, really. There's just no reason, I didn't plan to get a crush on her. but before I realized, I already did.
I asked her out to have lunch together after I came back to the city where I study and she asked to meet at the school cantine. "Friendzoned", I thought. But I also thought "nahhh, it's too early to jump to conclusions, just be a friend now and you'll see how it goes later, you still have plenty of time until July, better take it slowly".
So I went out with her and on the day we had lunch and I got the feeling we get along quite well and there were no awkward pauses or anything, the worst part was still to come though, and it came to me as a shocker: as we were leaving the school canteen I said something like "I had a good time! we should hang out more often!" and she said "yeah, I still have time until February". I was like "eh? what do you mean?" and that's when she told me she goes back to her country in February instead of July like I thought. I froze. I froze at that moment and I feel like a part of me is still frozen in that moment. I had less than a month to be with her now. I was sooooo sad, I spend the whole day thinking about it, I had trouble sleeping at night over it, it was just a heartbreak. I felt like whatever chance I had of having a relationship with her someday were down the drain now.
I didn't know what to do now. If I tell her how I really feel about her so soon, she might not take it seriously
and think that I'm not real about it or that I just wanna have sex with her or something. But on the other hand, if I don't, I'll never get this off my chest and she would never know the truth. This can't be. I thought that it's better to tell her the truth at the right moment even if my chance of being rejected is about 96,3%, I just have to tell her how I feel instead of wondering "what if" all the time if I did not. I am pretty sure she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about her. That's the worst feeling in the world. The best feeling is when you're in love with someone. The worst feeling in the world is when you're in love with someone who you are sure doesn't feel the same way about you and your chances of having a relationship someday are close to 0.
It's always the same in the end. 21 years and only stories of heartbreaks and bad endings.
I hope I can at least keep her as a friend after she probably rejects me. I'm struggling to find a right moment to tell her, I just wanna be alone with her for more than 1 hour. I feel like we need to talk and I really know more about her...
Sometimes I feel she's too good for me. I'm such a nerd, I'm into watching football, playing games, watching a few japanese animes here and there, doing crazy immature things like throwing eggs at night, kicking down dumpsters and so on, she seems to always have a full schedule, always got plans to go here or there... in fact, when I went out with her, I had 1 hour to be with her before she had something else to do. She must have guys asking her for a relationship at every corner, I feel so powerless, can't do anything. Why would she pick me when she can pick anyone else who is much better, more handsome and less of a nerd than I am? With her looks and personality, she can have anyone she wants, why should it be me?
I'm so confused. I have exams soon and I can't stop thinking about her... I love her, I didn't plan this to happen, I don't choose who or when it happens but I do... ugh
First thing happened still in 2013. December 19. It was the last day of school before the winter break for me and since I live by myself with other students in a different city from my parents, I thought I'd go out at night to the clubs to celebrate the last day on this city before I return to my parents home for Christmas. Most of the friends I know were already back to their parents houses (talk about enjoying academic life huh?) but I stayed until Friday night even though my classes ended on Thursday just to go out without my parents having to see me drunk :) So as most of my friends were gone already, I invited my flatmate who is an exchange student to go out with me to the clubs and have a few drinks. I waited for 10 minutes in the city square in the cold for him to come and when he finally came, I went to him and he told me he had some friends he was supposed to meet that night, so I said "oh it's okay, can I come too?" and he happily took me with him. Then I jokingly asked "are there any female friends of yours there?" and he said "yeah, there are 2". So I was like "woooow, are they pretty?" and he said "one is pretty, the other one so so". So I joked with him "Great! I get the pretty one and you get the so so one".
So we arrived a bit after and we met the 2 girls in front a bar. I was already quite drunk then. I saw exactly what he told me: one was really pretty and charming, the other one was so so. So we talked for a while and I was trying not to sound like a douche because I had already drink a while and I knew I had to make a good impression to them. However, I ended up ruining it with the most hilarious pickup line I ever used. When I asked Diana (the pretty one), who is also a foreign exchange student until when she's going to stay here and I don't know why, I heard "July", I said "wow, cool! this country will have one more pretty girl until then". You should have seen the look on her face.
Later that night as I was walking with my flatemate on our way back home, I said to him "man, that girl was really beautiful, you gotta get me her number because I don't know if I'll see her again". He said "sure, and if you want I can even give you her facebook page." what a bro.
The next day I sent both the girls an invite on facebook, hahaha. I browsed some of the photos and now I was sure it wasn't just because I was drunk. That girl really got a unique charm about her... can't really explain.
I appologized her for the pathetic pickup line I used the other night and explained to her I already had a few glasses then. Luckily she forgave me and treated me like a new friend. She said I was really helpful to her because I helped her with a few things about the city we live in and about our university and asked me to be like her mentor. I thought to myself: "sure why not, it's a good chance to get closer to her so why not?". I accepted the challenge.
Days went by and everytime I talk to her I feel like I like her more and more. I don't know, she seems nice, polite, friendly and got a unique charm that I don't see very often. It's something I can't explain, really. There's just no reason, I didn't plan to get a crush on her. but before I realized, I already did.
I asked her out to have lunch together after I came back to the city where I study and she asked to meet at the school cantine. "Friendzoned", I thought. But I also thought "nahhh, it's too early to jump to conclusions, just be a friend now and you'll see how it goes later, you still have plenty of time until July, better take it slowly".
So I went out with her and on the day we had lunch and I got the feeling we get along quite well and there were no awkward pauses or anything, the worst part was still to come though, and it came to me as a shocker: as we were leaving the school canteen I said something like "I had a good time! we should hang out more often!" and she said "yeah, I still have time until February". I was like "eh? what do you mean?" and that's when she told me she goes back to her country in February instead of July like I thought. I froze. I froze at that moment and I feel like a part of me is still frozen in that moment. I had less than a month to be with her now. I was sooooo sad, I spend the whole day thinking about it, I had trouble sleeping at night over it, it was just a heartbreak. I felt like whatever chance I had of having a relationship with her someday were down the drain now.
I didn't know what to do now. If I tell her how I really feel about her so soon, she might not take it seriously
and think that I'm not real about it or that I just wanna have sex with her or something. But on the other hand, if I don't, I'll never get this off my chest and she would never know the truth. This can't be. I thought that it's better to tell her the truth at the right moment even if my chance of being rejected is about 96,3%, I just have to tell her how I feel instead of wondering "what if" all the time if I did not. I am pretty sure she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about her. That's the worst feeling in the world. The best feeling is when you're in love with someone. The worst feeling in the world is when you're in love with someone who you are sure doesn't feel the same way about you and your chances of having a relationship someday are close to 0.
It's always the same in the end. 21 years and only stories of heartbreaks and bad endings.
I hope I can at least keep her as a friend after she probably rejects me. I'm struggling to find a right moment to tell her, I just wanna be alone with her for more than 1 hour. I feel like we need to talk and I really know more about her...
Sometimes I feel she's too good for me. I'm such a nerd, I'm into watching football, playing games, watching a few japanese animes here and there, doing crazy immature things like throwing eggs at night, kicking down dumpsters and so on, she seems to always have a full schedule, always got plans to go here or there... in fact, when I went out with her, I had 1 hour to be with her before she had something else to do. She must have guys asking her for a relationship at every corner, I feel so powerless, can't do anything. Why would she pick me when she can pick anyone else who is much better, more handsome and less of a nerd than I am? With her looks and personality, she can have anyone she wants, why should it be me?
I'm so confused. I have exams soon and I can't stop thinking about her... I love her, I didn't plan this to happen, I don't choose who or when it happens but I do... ugh
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