Time goes by. Now I'm nearly 22 years old (I turn 22 next month) and I noticed something that I have a feeling inside me recently that I never had much before until now. That feeling has been getting stronger and stronger recently. I started to look at women a lot more the past time and now am I actively searching for a relationship. I wish I can find a relationship... but things aren't that easy. There are a few women that I am interested in but they either don't see me the same way I see them, they are far away from me or because I simply don't think a relationship between us would work. I am under a bit of pressure too (although I like that because I can work better, or in this case, study better under pressure) because if I fail one more subject this semester, I will have to stay in my university for another year after next one which should be my senior year. So this is it, a lot will depend on how much I can study and focus on my studies these comming months and how well I can perform on the tests.
If I can finish my degree in the summer of next year, I feel like I would be the happiest person in the world. To achieve something like this has been a result of many adventures, frustrations, happiness, sacrifice and luck. After that, I am quite excited to start doing what I like and entering the labour market.
I am young and full of ambition and I have to make most of this stage of my life. I feel like after I finish my degree, I can trully focus of finding someone that I can spend my life with and that desire has been growing stronger and stronger these past times inside of me. Recently, I am so easy to get a crush on someone, to see someone as interesting or someone I would like to have a relationship with... it's like I can't even control it. In a way I want to to these women better and maybe start a relationship with them now before I lose my chance, but I know I shouldn't do that because I should be someone in life first. But it's getting harder and harder to resist...
Monday, March 10, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
My 2014 So Far...
... has been little more than heartbreaks and displeasures. Both in my academic life and in my love life. That sums it up pretty nicely what happened to me so far and I'm sure that you'll agree after you hear the things I'm about to tell you. I came here mostly to vent myself, I need to get those things out of my chest so I'm posting there here if anyone is interested in my life life, thoughts or just like reading stories.
First thing happened still in 2013. December 19. It was the last day of school before the winter break for me and since I live by myself with other students in a different city from my parents, I thought I'd go out at night to the clubs to celebrate the last day on this city before I return to my parents home for Christmas. Most of the friends I know were already back to their parents houses (talk about enjoying academic life huh?) but I stayed until Friday night even though my classes ended on Thursday just to go out without my parents having to see me drunk :) So as most of my friends were gone already, I invited my flatmate who is an exchange student to go out with me to the clubs and have a few drinks. I waited for 10 minutes in the city square in the cold for him to come and when he finally came, I went to him and he told me he had some friends he was supposed to meet that night, so I said "oh it's okay, can I come too?" and he happily took me with him. Then I jokingly asked "are there any female friends of yours there?" and he said "yeah, there are 2". So I was like "woooow, are they pretty?" and he said "one is pretty, the other one so so". So I joked with him "Great! I get the pretty one and you get the so so one".
So we arrived a bit after and we met the 2 girls in front a bar. I was already quite drunk then. I saw exactly what he told me: one was really pretty and charming, the other one was so so. So we talked for a while and I was trying not to sound like a douche because I had already drink a while and I knew I had to make a good impression to them. However, I ended up ruining it with the most hilarious pickup line I ever used. When I asked Diana (the pretty one), who is also a foreign exchange student until when she's going to stay here and I don't know why, I heard "July", I said "wow, cool! this country will have one more pretty girl until then". You should have seen the look on her face.
Later that night as I was walking with my flatemate on our way back home, I said to him "man, that girl was really beautiful, you gotta get me her number because I don't know if I'll see her again". He said "sure, and if you want I can even give you her facebook page." what a bro.
The next day I sent both the girls an invite on facebook, hahaha. I browsed some of the photos and now I was sure it wasn't just because I was drunk. That girl really got a unique charm about her... can't really explain.
I appologized her for the pathetic pickup line I used the other night and explained to her I already had a few glasses then. Luckily she forgave me and treated me like a new friend. She said I was really helpful to her because I helped her with a few things about the city we live in and about our university and asked me to be like her mentor. I thought to myself: "sure why not, it's a good chance to get closer to her so why not?". I accepted the challenge.
Days went by and everytime I talk to her I feel like I like her more and more. I don't know, she seems nice, polite, friendly and got a unique charm that I don't see very often. It's something I can't explain, really. There's just no reason, I didn't plan to get a crush on her. but before I realized, I already did.
I asked her out to have lunch together after I came back to the city where I study and she asked to meet at the school cantine. "Friendzoned", I thought. But I also thought "nahhh, it's too early to jump to conclusions, just be a friend now and you'll see how it goes later, you still have plenty of time until July, better take it slowly".
So I went out with her and on the day we had lunch and I got the feeling we get along quite well and there were no awkward pauses or anything, the worst part was still to come though, and it came to me as a shocker: as we were leaving the school canteen I said something like "I had a good time! we should hang out more often!" and she said "yeah, I still have time until February". I was like "eh? what do you mean?" and that's when she told me she goes back to her country in February instead of July like I thought. I froze. I froze at that moment and I feel like a part of me is still frozen in that moment. I had less than a month to be with her now. I was sooooo sad, I spend the whole day thinking about it, I had trouble sleeping at night over it, it was just a heartbreak. I felt like whatever chance I had of having a relationship with her someday were down the drain now.
I didn't know what to do now. If I tell her how I really feel about her so soon, she might not take it seriously
and think that I'm not real about it or that I just wanna have sex with her or something. But on the other hand, if I don't, I'll never get this off my chest and she would never know the truth. This can't be. I thought that it's better to tell her the truth at the right moment even if my chance of being rejected is about 96,3%, I just have to tell her how I feel instead of wondering "what if" all the time if I did not. I am pretty sure she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about her. That's the worst feeling in the world. The best feeling is when you're in love with someone. The worst feeling in the world is when you're in love with someone who you are sure doesn't feel the same way about you and your chances of having a relationship someday are close to 0.
It's always the same in the end. 21 years and only stories of heartbreaks and bad endings.
I hope I can at least keep her as a friend after she probably rejects me. I'm struggling to find a right moment to tell her, I just wanna be alone with her for more than 1 hour. I feel like we need to talk and I really know more about her...
Sometimes I feel she's too good for me. I'm such a nerd, I'm into watching football, playing games, watching a few japanese animes here and there, doing crazy immature things like throwing eggs at night, kicking down dumpsters and so on, she seems to always have a full schedule, always got plans to go here or there... in fact, when I went out with her, I had 1 hour to be with her before she had something else to do. She must have guys asking her for a relationship at every corner, I feel so powerless, can't do anything. Why would she pick me when she can pick anyone else who is much better, more handsome and less of a nerd than I am? With her looks and personality, she can have anyone she wants, why should it be me?
I'm so confused. I have exams soon and I can't stop thinking about her... I love her, I didn't plan this to happen, I don't choose who or when it happens but I do... ugh
First thing happened still in 2013. December 19. It was the last day of school before the winter break for me and since I live by myself with other students in a different city from my parents, I thought I'd go out at night to the clubs to celebrate the last day on this city before I return to my parents home for Christmas. Most of the friends I know were already back to their parents houses (talk about enjoying academic life huh?) but I stayed until Friday night even though my classes ended on Thursday just to go out without my parents having to see me drunk :) So as most of my friends were gone already, I invited my flatmate who is an exchange student to go out with me to the clubs and have a few drinks. I waited for 10 minutes in the city square in the cold for him to come and when he finally came, I went to him and he told me he had some friends he was supposed to meet that night, so I said "oh it's okay, can I come too?" and he happily took me with him. Then I jokingly asked "are there any female friends of yours there?" and he said "yeah, there are 2". So I was like "woooow, are they pretty?" and he said "one is pretty, the other one so so". So I joked with him "Great! I get the pretty one and you get the so so one".
So we arrived a bit after and we met the 2 girls in front a bar. I was already quite drunk then. I saw exactly what he told me: one was really pretty and charming, the other one was so so. So we talked for a while and I was trying not to sound like a douche because I had already drink a while and I knew I had to make a good impression to them. However, I ended up ruining it with the most hilarious pickup line I ever used. When I asked Diana (the pretty one), who is also a foreign exchange student until when she's going to stay here and I don't know why, I heard "July", I said "wow, cool! this country will have one more pretty girl until then". You should have seen the look on her face.
Later that night as I was walking with my flatemate on our way back home, I said to him "man, that girl was really beautiful, you gotta get me her number because I don't know if I'll see her again". He said "sure, and if you want I can even give you her facebook page." what a bro.
The next day I sent both the girls an invite on facebook, hahaha. I browsed some of the photos and now I was sure it wasn't just because I was drunk. That girl really got a unique charm about her... can't really explain.
I appologized her for the pathetic pickup line I used the other night and explained to her I already had a few glasses then. Luckily she forgave me and treated me like a new friend. She said I was really helpful to her because I helped her with a few things about the city we live in and about our university and asked me to be like her mentor. I thought to myself: "sure why not, it's a good chance to get closer to her so why not?". I accepted the challenge.
Days went by and everytime I talk to her I feel like I like her more and more. I don't know, she seems nice, polite, friendly and got a unique charm that I don't see very often. It's something I can't explain, really. There's just no reason, I didn't plan to get a crush on her. but before I realized, I already did.
I asked her out to have lunch together after I came back to the city where I study and she asked to meet at the school cantine. "Friendzoned", I thought. But I also thought "nahhh, it's too early to jump to conclusions, just be a friend now and you'll see how it goes later, you still have plenty of time until July, better take it slowly".
So I went out with her and on the day we had lunch and I got the feeling we get along quite well and there were no awkward pauses or anything, the worst part was still to come though, and it came to me as a shocker: as we were leaving the school canteen I said something like "I had a good time! we should hang out more often!" and she said "yeah, I still have time until February". I was like "eh? what do you mean?" and that's when she told me she goes back to her country in February instead of July like I thought. I froze. I froze at that moment and I feel like a part of me is still frozen in that moment. I had less than a month to be with her now. I was sooooo sad, I spend the whole day thinking about it, I had trouble sleeping at night over it, it was just a heartbreak. I felt like whatever chance I had of having a relationship with her someday were down the drain now.
I didn't know what to do now. If I tell her how I really feel about her so soon, she might not take it seriously
and think that I'm not real about it or that I just wanna have sex with her or something. But on the other hand, if I don't, I'll never get this off my chest and she would never know the truth. This can't be. I thought that it's better to tell her the truth at the right moment even if my chance of being rejected is about 96,3%, I just have to tell her how I feel instead of wondering "what if" all the time if I did not. I am pretty sure she doesn't feel about me the way I feel about her. That's the worst feeling in the world. The best feeling is when you're in love with someone. The worst feeling in the world is when you're in love with someone who you are sure doesn't feel the same way about you and your chances of having a relationship someday are close to 0.
It's always the same in the end. 21 years and only stories of heartbreaks and bad endings.
I hope I can at least keep her as a friend after she probably rejects me. I'm struggling to find a right moment to tell her, I just wanna be alone with her for more than 1 hour. I feel like we need to talk and I really know more about her...
Sometimes I feel she's too good for me. I'm such a nerd, I'm into watching football, playing games, watching a few japanese animes here and there, doing crazy immature things like throwing eggs at night, kicking down dumpsters and so on, she seems to always have a full schedule, always got plans to go here or there... in fact, when I went out with her, I had 1 hour to be with her before she had something else to do. She must have guys asking her for a relationship at every corner, I feel so powerless, can't do anything. Why would she pick me when she can pick anyone else who is much better, more handsome and less of a nerd than I am? With her looks and personality, she can have anyone she wants, why should it be me?
I'm so confused. I have exams soon and I can't stop thinking about her... I love her, I didn't plan this to happen, I don't choose who or when it happens but I do... ugh
Friday, May 31, 2013
Lessons Were Learned
Ahhhh. My sweetest blog. I've left you abbandoned and forgotten for such a long time! Damn, it feels like forever since the last time I was here! ha.
I was about to go to sleep. I was already in my bed with my eyes closed and I was pretty tired. But then, on that time between you going to bed and you start sleeping, I started having random thoughts and one of them was about my oldie blog. Don't ask me how I got there, I don't know either x)) I just remembered. So I thought I'd turn my laptop back on and have a look. See if it still exists, see if I got any reply, look at my old posts, etc.
First thing I notice, was I still remember the password! ahahah, but putting jokes aside, the first thing I see after I login my blog is a shitload of spam bots speaking fucking Indonesian in my chatbox and spamming the whole chat with links to sites that are as useful as the vision of 17 bats.
Second, I notice that I had lots of visitors since last time. I'm so awesome. And third, I giggled and smiled at my old posts. "teeheee" I thought =) I think the funny part of having a blog and updating it often is the fact that you can see your old posts and get a lot of memories back. And think how time flies, the good and the hard times you had...
Basically I will just post whatever I feel like here.
Lots of things happened to me these last few months. Let's see...
I passed all the first trimester subjects in my university! woooooooot!! all 6 subjects :D I'm studying these few days for the final exams of the year for the other 6 subjects for the second trimester. If I can pass them all as well, I can finish my freshman year at university and move on to the next! woooooo! So I gotta give it all now because after these, comes the summer holidays and I will be able to rest. So this is my time to shine!
I am single now. And not sad about it. I learned a lesson from my relationship that ended in a break up. Actually, I learned many things and I feel like the whole experience made me more mature, more thoughtful (in the good way) and less naive. I'm more experienced than ever now and the next relationship I have, I will take into account what worked, what didn't and the lessons I learned from my mistakes from my last relationship. I know that all women are different and therefore all relationships are different but I mean the lessons in general that apply to all (or most) relationships.
I learned one thing. Love can make you blind sometimes. Really really blind. and if you have a stubborn, determined or the "think you're right all the time" personality type, that will cause you a lot of trouble. You will make very stupid things and choices if you really like someone, and some might ruin your life. I didn't ruin my life fortunately but I made mistakes that are unchangable now and will last for the history.
I learned another thing. That blindness you have when you're in love makes it hard for yourself to see when a relationship is wrong for you. You think it's right. You think you're happier with somebody. You think that person means everything to you, you love him or her more than anything. You can't imagine life without him or her. Even people around you tell you that it's not fine the things that you are doing or that are happening in the relationship or in the life that we face everything and is somehow related to our relationship.But we often ignore those people (including our friends and family sometimes) and we enter in denial when we think they are against us and we are the ones who are right. But that's not always the case. Or should I say, it's rarely the case.
After we snap out of it, IF and I said "IF" we can snap out of it, then we realize everything. Blindness is gone, and we realize what we did wrong, the stupid things and choices we did because we were so blinded, the mistakes that are unrepairable, the thoughts we had that could have ruined our life if they became true... but seemed the right thing to do for the relationship and for the one we love...
The most difficult part is breaking up. It might seem horrible and unthinkable when you're in love in the relationship that you just keep that possibility as away as possible. and that's how I learned it. The hard way. And I realized all the shit I did and what I could have done and fortunately I haven't... Thank God it's over. It doesn't hurt anymore now. I feel like the right thing happened. I don't regret my decision and I feel like it's the best that could have happened and it's better this way.
Finally, I learned that life goes on, there are many good women out there, I take my lessons from this and I won't make the same mistakes again and I will try to control and deliberate very well about every move I go and every step a relationship takes. I'm better off on my own. I want to find a girlfriend and hope to find one someday but being alone is not as bad as one would think. It means FREEDOM. No obeying rules, no holding back, no having to waste time with someone, no nothing. you're free to do whatever you want, whenever you want with whoever you want!! ;)
Life goes on!
I was about to go to sleep. I was already in my bed with my eyes closed and I was pretty tired. But then, on that time between you going to bed and you start sleeping, I started having random thoughts and one of them was about my oldie blog. Don't ask me how I got there, I don't know either x)) I just remembered. So I thought I'd turn my laptop back on and have a look. See if it still exists, see if I got any reply, look at my old posts, etc.
First thing I notice, was I still remember the password! ahahah, but putting jokes aside, the first thing I see after I login my blog is a shitload of spam bots speaking fucking Indonesian in my chatbox and spamming the whole chat with links to sites that are as useful as the vision of 17 bats.
Second, I notice that I had lots of visitors since last time. I'm so awesome. And third, I giggled and smiled at my old posts. "teeheee" I thought =) I think the funny part of having a blog and updating it often is the fact that you can see your old posts and get a lot of memories back. And think how time flies, the good and the hard times you had...
Basically I will just post whatever I feel like here.
Lots of things happened to me these last few months. Let's see...
I passed all the first trimester subjects in my university! woooooooot!! all 6 subjects :D I'm studying these few days for the final exams of the year for the other 6 subjects for the second trimester. If I can pass them all as well, I can finish my freshman year at university and move on to the next! woooooo! So I gotta give it all now because after these, comes the summer holidays and I will be able to rest. So this is my time to shine!
I am single now. And not sad about it. I learned a lesson from my relationship that ended in a break up. Actually, I learned many things and I feel like the whole experience made me more mature, more thoughtful (in the good way) and less naive. I'm more experienced than ever now and the next relationship I have, I will take into account what worked, what didn't and the lessons I learned from my mistakes from my last relationship. I know that all women are different and therefore all relationships are different but I mean the lessons in general that apply to all (or most) relationships.
I learned one thing. Love can make you blind sometimes. Really really blind. and if you have a stubborn, determined or the "think you're right all the time" personality type, that will cause you a lot of trouble. You will make very stupid things and choices if you really like someone, and some might ruin your life. I didn't ruin my life fortunately but I made mistakes that are unchangable now and will last for the history.
I learned another thing. That blindness you have when you're in love makes it hard for yourself to see when a relationship is wrong for you. You think it's right. You think you're happier with somebody. You think that person means everything to you, you love him or her more than anything. You can't imagine life without him or her. Even people around you tell you that it's not fine the things that you are doing or that are happening in the relationship or in the life that we face everything and is somehow related to our relationship.But we often ignore those people (including our friends and family sometimes) and we enter in denial when we think they are against us and we are the ones who are right. But that's not always the case. Or should I say, it's rarely the case.
After we snap out of it, IF and I said "IF" we can snap out of it, then we realize everything. Blindness is gone, and we realize what we did wrong, the stupid things and choices we did because we were so blinded, the mistakes that are unrepairable, the thoughts we had that could have ruined our life if they became true... but seemed the right thing to do for the relationship and for the one we love...
The most difficult part is breaking up. It might seem horrible and unthinkable when you're in love in the relationship that you just keep that possibility as away as possible. and that's how I learned it. The hard way. And I realized all the shit I did and what I could have done and fortunately I haven't... Thank God it's over. It doesn't hurt anymore now. I feel like the right thing happened. I don't regret my decision and I feel like it's the best that could have happened and it's better this way.
Finally, I learned that life goes on, there are many good women out there, I take my lessons from this and I won't make the same mistakes again and I will try to control and deliberate very well about every move I go and every step a relationship takes. I'm better off on my own. I want to find a girlfriend and hope to find one someday but being alone is not as bad as one would think. It means FREEDOM. No obeying rules, no holding back, no having to waste time with someone, no nothing. you're free to do whatever you want, whenever you want with whoever you want!! ;)
Life goes on!
Monday, June 4, 2012
You used to be cool
What happened to you? you used to be cool, you used to be nice, unique, talkative when you feel confortable, had strong wishes and desires.... now I just see you doing what others want you to do, no power of will, cold, distant... This is not the girl I once loved. Gotta ask yourself the question: Who are you now? The time we spent talking about everything and nothing, doing everything and nothing together... Those times now seem so far away. And the new you with all the problems seems here to stay. I can't believe this happened to you.
I loved you from head to toes but those people who are influencing you are people who can't fool me. You were a great girl always happy, always smiling, now you always have a drama face, I see you losing the spark day by day, week by week. Stop it. Everyone already noticed that you don't have a happy face.
You have your whole life ahead, be careful what you wanna do and what you wanna be. Be yourself.
I loved you from head to toes but those people who are influencing you are people who can't fool me. You were a great girl always happy, always smiling, now you always have a drama face, I see you losing the spark day by day, week by week. Stop it. Everyone already noticed that you don't have a happy face.
You have your whole life ahead, be careful what you wanna do and what you wanna be. Be yourself.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Dear you,
Everytime I listen to Simple Plan, I think of you.
Everytime I think of earrings, I think of you.
Everytime I think of China, I think of you.
Everytime I think about Christmas, I think of you.
Everytime I think of cookie, I think of you.
Everytime I think of foreign languages, I think of you.
Everytime I eat something spicy, I think of you.
Everytime I think of sex, I think of you.
Everytime I smile, I think of you.
Everytime I take a shower, I wish you were at my side.
Everytime I go to sleep, I wish you were on the bed laying next to me.
Everytime I think of you, I wanna cry.
Everytime I think of earrings, I think of you.
Everytime I think of China, I think of you.
Everytime I think about Christmas, I think of you.
Everytime I think of cookie, I think of you.
Everytime I think of foreign languages, I think of you.
Everytime I eat something spicy, I think of you.
Everytime I think of sex, I think of you.
Everytime I smile, I think of you.
Everytime I take a shower, I wish you were at my side.
Everytime I go to sleep, I wish you were on the bed laying next to me.
Everytime I think of you, I wanna cry.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
tired
Dear you,
It's 12:36pm right now and I woke up an hour ago. I stayed up until 5:30am here on the pc, I never stayed up so late in my life on the pc to try and talk to you and fix our arguement, appologize and make things right again.
I was very sleepy and tried to best to hold on as much as I could but you just acted like you didn't give 2 shits about me. yes, I realize you were upset.
I went to sleep with things unsolved.
When I woke up at 11am (i had 6 miserable hours of sleep), I checked my cell phone. It had a message from you at 7:14am saying "if you wanna make things right, meet me on qq now".
I stayed up until 5:30am to solve it, I was very sleepy and tired so I went to bed and your message did not wake me up. I do want to make things right, trust me, that's my number 1 wish right now, but I would really appreaciate if you thought about my side too and give me another chance.
Sincerely,
Mr. Know it all.
It's 12:36pm right now and I woke up an hour ago. I stayed up until 5:30am here on the pc, I never stayed up so late in my life on the pc to try and talk to you and fix our arguement, appologize and make things right again.
I was very sleepy and tried to best to hold on as much as I could but you just acted like you didn't give 2 shits about me. yes, I realize you were upset.
I went to sleep with things unsolved.
When I woke up at 11am (i had 6 miserable hours of sleep), I checked my cell phone. It had a message from you at 7:14am saying "if you wanna make things right, meet me on qq now".
I stayed up until 5:30am to solve it, I was very sleepy and tired so I went to bed and your message did not wake me up. I do want to make things right, trust me, that's my number 1 wish right now, but I would really appreaciate if you thought about my side too and give me another chance.
Sincerely,
Mr. Know it all.
Monday, February 6, 2012
The day I saw snow again
My name's Chris. I was born in an average country to an average family in an average city. Not rich, not poor country. Middle class family. Average size city.
When i was a kid, i went to Serra da Estrela, the highest mountain in Portugal with my family on a family weekend visit. It's a place known for having snow every winter. I was just 7 years old. And then... I saw snow once again on January 29, 2006. Yup... I remember the exact day. It was a day to remember. I was 13, nearly 14.
That time was a special occasion because i saw snow on my hometown.
When i was a kid, i went to Serra da Estrela, the highest mountain in Portugal with my family on a family weekend visit. It's a place known for having snow every winter. I was just 7 years old. And then... I saw snow once again on January 29, 2006. Yup... I remember the exact day. It was a day to remember. I was 13, nearly 14.
That time was a special occasion because i saw snow on my hometown.
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